I was sitting on my couch watching Independence Day earlier. It’s Memorial Day, but I didn’t see the big deal. My roommate disagreed. “Are you even allowed to watch Independence Day on Memorial Day? And won’t you have to watch it again in a couple months?”
He had a point. And it got me thinking. “Where’s our campy, ridiculous Memorial Day action movie?”
It’s gotta have a contrived, over-the-top plot. It’s gotta have pulse-pounding action, thrilling suspense, a car chase, a shoot out, aerial dogfighting, all of that. But it’s also gotta have heart, man. Some romance, some love previously tossed aside, some passionate flames rekindled in the face of almost certain destruction.
It’s also gotta have Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum, because I feel they could use the work.
I can’t give you the thought process that took me here because I don’t know what it was. But I do know I’ve cracked this one wide open. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…
Zombie Allies Vs. Zombie Nazis
Back from the dead to finish the fight.
That’s just a working title and tagline. We can do better, movie industry types. But pay attention, because you’re gonna wanna make this film.
It’s present-day Germany. The fine German folk are going about their day, doing the sorts of things Germans do. And suddenly, there’s a commotion. There’s a ruckus, if you will. A woman lies dead in the street, her assailant unknown. A dapper young man with fantastic hair pushes through the assembled crowd and gasps. A police officer insists he can’t go through, but he breaks free of their grasp and runs to the woman. It’s just as he feared — a yellow star, crudely made and clumsily pinned onto her blouse, soaking into the blood.
The prophecy has proven true. Few have seen the scrolls recovered from Hitler’s bunker, and fewer still believed them. But what else could explain it? The Nazis have risen from their graves. Zombie Nazis.
It’s 2am in Washington, D.C. The phone rings, startling a man awake. He grumbles. His bones creak as he rolls over to answer. Looks like someone’s been doing some grave-digging in Arlington. “Impossible,” he thinks to himself. “My men would never let this happen.” But what he couldn’t plan for, what nobody could’ve expected, would be for the graves to open… from the inside. When Zombie Nazis terrorize the modern world, the Zombie Allies must rise, reluctant but proud, and once again defend freedom.
TELL ME YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING WATCH THAT MOVIE. YOU’RE LYING IF YOU SAY YOU WOULDN’T.
Now you know what’s gotta be done. Get Pullman on the horn, stat. And while we’re at it, see if Danny Glover’s up to play the President. He’s gotta have one more left in him.
Two Self-Serving New Sections For You!
Added a “Credits” and a “Music Videos” section.
God, it’s always me, me, me around here. Never about you. Sorry.
I get that it was number one at the box office, but let’s face facts: Battle Los Angeles was a terrible fucking movie. Aaron Eckhart scoops up the movie and tosses it over his shoulder like it’s a princess in peril. He desperately tries to save it. He just can’t.
I’ve been looking forward to this movie for a month now. Not passively, mind you. I ached for this movie. I needed it. Not since Independence Day have we had a truly great (yet hilariously bad) alien invasion flick. From the trailers, the outdoor campaign and even the buzz, this one looked to be the one.
So what made Battle: LA so bad?
In my mind, a big part of it was expectation. You just weren’t expecting this movie to be a directorial crib of Cloverfield. You wanted it to be huge in scope, you wanted it to be fast paced, you wanted it to be in-your-face fighting. You got none of those things.
Here’s the six ways I think they could’ve given everybody exactly what they were hoping to see when they bought their ticket to Battle: Los Angeles.
(originally posted on kroq.radio.com)
On the first day of Lollapalooza 2010, the big news was Lady Gaga. Sure she was co-headlining with The Strokes, but I was hard-pressed to find a single person who was picking them over The Ga. Before she hit the main stage at 8pm, quirky rocker Hot Chip had to finish up at 6. You’d think there wouldn’t be any cross-over in that crowd, right?
Turns out there was, and it was almost immediately apparent. After they finished, barely anybody moved and it was clear that getting a good spot for Lady Gaga was going to take a little muscle. If you were trying (like I was) to hold your ground, you took a lot of heat and a lot of bumps, shoves and kicks.
About 20 minutes in, one tipsy blonde girl decided “enough is enough.” And she fought back.
Comic Con 2010: My Mission, Get Every Freebie
(originally posted at kroq.radio.com and other Radio.com network sites)
At Comic Con, there’s a lot of “stuff” changing hands. You can barely walk around without someone trying to hand you something. Cards, pens, temporary tattoos, skateboard decks (okay, not those) and so much more.
For Thursday, I made it my mission to take everything I was handed and hunt down anything I saw that looked remotely worthwhile. My hotel room is now crammed full of this stuff and I’ve got no idea how I’m getting it home.
Here’s what I found (so far.)
Coachella Night 2: Dance And Rave While This Guy Paints
(originally posted on kroq.radio.com)
This being my first Coachella, I’m still taken aback at some of the things I encounter. Tonight, Lightning and I were meandering around the field while Tiesto entranced about 50,000 people (none of whom were on ANY illegal substances,) and we stumbled across this.
It was a tent near the main stage where a DJ was spinning some chill music, a couple of guys were playing instruments, and people were just dancing. Really, really close together. And not just dudes… girls too. Attractive ones. Next to that, a dude was painting what you see above.
Yes. Painting it.
Jay Leno Returns to ‘The Tonight Show’; Doesn’t Forget to Give Jamie Foxx Booze in Green Room
Ah, Jay Leno. The “store brand” of late night hosts. The “Sam’s Choice Cola” to Conan O’Brien‘s “Dr. Pepper Cherry Vanilla.” Love him? Hate him? Probably neither, and that’s the point. Nobody really loves or hates this guy. They just kinda shrug, roll over and fall asleep. If they’re lucky, they remember to set the sleep timer first.
Last night, NBC returned the King of Bland to his Tonight Show throne.
John Mayer N-Word Apology Tour Continues; He Should’ve Used This Chart
(originally posted on kroq.radio.com)
Here at KROQ, we appreciate John Mayer more for his Twitter account than his music or the countless hot women he brags about banging. But his recent use of the N-word in Playboy Magazine has become an unavoidable story. You’ve probably caught on to the fact that he won’t stop apologizing for it. He’s apologizing on stage, he’s apologizing in the press, and if you ran into him on the street lately, he probably apologized to you too.
All this fuss is due to the fact that proper usage of this word apparently continues to elude even the most intelligent of white people. To that end, we have assembled a chart with detailed instructions on exactly how and when you can use this most offensive of words.
Feel free to print, laminate and carry this with you, so you don’t forget. Because you wouldn’t want to wind up like Jessica Simpson’s ex-boyfriend.
Mary-Kate Olsen Is Single Again; Here’s How You Could Date Her
(originally published on http://jack.radio.com)
Star Magazine’s reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen, one-time guest star of Samantha Who?, has decided to cast off artistic boy toy Nate Lowman. Nate, who’s most famous for being romantically linked to Mary-Kate Olsen, has been in her life since 2008. The two were rumored to have been engaged at one point, a rumor that Mary-Kate was quick to dispel.
Dear Jack reader, we realize you don’t care about this story on the surface. But you had to be wondering: now that she’s single… “does this mean I could date her? How would I make that happen?“
Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered.
Here’s thirteen ways you might be able to grab the young starlet’s attention.
- Claim that you also have prettier, more-successful twin, then commiserate with her over it
- Talk about your weird, unemployable Greek Uncle who’s got an unhealthy obsession with his hair
- Take her side in that whole “Heath Ledger thing”
- Ask her to autograph “The Wackness” movie poster
- Don’t mention “Are the Olsen twins 18 yet?” countdown website you started
- Offer her a part in an under-funded made-for-TV movie
- Pretend to be a shipping magnate
- Start dressing like a homeless person
- Add “incredible, unfathomable wealth” to your list of turn-ons at Match.com
- Order a carrot for dinner, eat half, then ask for a to-go box
- Emphasize that you waited until she was of legal age before abusing yourself to old photos of her
- Do the “cut. it. out” thing, because she never gets tired of it
- Ensure that you are, in fact, speaking to the correct twin
You Will Be The Ultimate Long-Shot Presidential Candidate
The debates. The whistlestops. The mudslinging. The glamour of the campaign trail. You’ve watched it all from the modest recliner in your den, but you’ve always lusted for more. You yearn for the moderator to tell you that your time has expired. You crave the breakneck limo ride from the airport to the Elk Lodge. And just once, you’d like to see a television commercial that attacked your credibility. But how can you get a taste of the action?
