6 Ways They Could’ve Turned Battle: Los Angeles Into A Good Movie

I get that it was number one at the box office, but let’s face facts: Battle Los Angeles was a terrible fucking movie. Aaron Eckhart scoops up the movie and tosses it over his shoulder like it’s a princess in peril. He desperately tries to save it. He just can’t.

I’ve been looking forward to this movie for a month now. Not passively, mind you. I ached for this movie. I needed it. Not since Independence Day have we had a truly great (yet hilariously bad) alien invasion flick. From the trailers, the outdoor campaign and even the buzz, this one looked to be the one.

So what made Battle: LA so bad?

In my mind, a big part of it was expectation. You just weren’t expecting this movie to be a directorial crib of Cloverfield. You wanted it to be huge in scope, you wanted it to be fast paced, you wanted it to be in-your-face fighting. You got none of those things.

Here’s the six ways I think they could’ve given everybody exactly what they were hoping to see when they bought their ticket to Battle: Los Angeles.

1. When You Look Into A Microscope, You Don’t Just Keep Looking In There Forever.

This is my biggest problem with the movie. It starts small, just following some random Marines and their families through their day-to-day. You get to know a little about each one: where they’re coming from, where they’d like to go, etc.

And then? Well then, it stays small.

We stay with this one group for the entire movie. We never get a real sense of the scope of the battle. This works for a lot of films, including Cloverfield, the one they’re blatantly copying. It’s a common plot device in zombie movies like Dawn Of The Dead as well. Isolate the audience so they feel the isolation of the characters. Only show bits and pieces of the big picture.

But you’re spend tens of millions of dollars in special effects. I’d like to see the big picture, please. You already limited the scope of the movie to one city. Why are you further limiting it to a handful of people taking side streets to the airport? Go big! Let’s see the city! Let’s see the operations center where they’re coordinating our military response! Something!

2. There Must Be More Going On

Maybe you’d like to avoid “going big.” Okay. That’s your prerogative. No war rooms, no maps of the city with deployment strategies, no visits from the President. That’s cool. But what about a couple more intimate groups of people?

Independence Day worked so well because you had these disparate groups of people all affected by the same over-arching incident (i.e. the invasion of Earth.) Over the course of the movie, their paths intersected. By the end, they were crossing into each other’s worlds and working together to save humanity.

Take that same principal and apply it to Los Angeles. A nurse in a hospital downtown. Some marines in Santa Monica. A truck driver in North Hollywood. Whatever you want. Just have a few different groups and follow them through their trials and tribulations for the first and second acts.

3. Pick Up The Fuckin’ Pace, Son.

When you tell me we’ve got to get to the Forward Operating Base at the Santa Monica Airport, I as the viewer assume we’re gonna be there inside 10 minutes of screen time. I didn’t expect it to take the whole goddamn movie. That just doesn’t sound like something that takes a lot of time. It starts to give you this weird feeling as you watch, like you’re just waiting for them to get to the next plot point.

4. That Man Is A Goddamn Hero. Acknowledge Him, Please.

The Lieutenant was clearly a fragile man. They beat us to death with the fact that he’s inexperienced, that he’s never seen combat, that he’s not nearly as primed to lead as the Staff Sergeant. In fact, Mr. Eckhart frequently has to remind the Lieutenant that he needs to make decisions at all, and that the men are nearly always waiting for those decisions to be made.

Then the Lieutenant grows a little. He looks death in the face and scoffs. He decides to give his own life over in exchange for the lives of his men. What happens when he does this truly heroic and inspiring thing?

The movie throws it away and uses it to remind us that yes, the Staff Sergeant has had men die under his command before. Not a word about the sacrifice that was made, from any character. Including the one who was there to witness it.

If you’re going to pull that water up from the well, at least drink it.

5. Stop Butchering The Shit Out Of The Alien. It’s Horrifying.

“We have to learn how to kill it.” That’s the excuse given for Aaron Eckhart and his veterinarian friend giving one of the aliens an autopsy while it’s still alive.

Christ, that scene goes on for way too long. It’s weird and morbid. And the characters barely even use the information they gain. It comes back up at the end, I think, and when it does you’re just like “oh yeah, I forgot. They ripped open an alien’s chest cavity while it was still squirming and writhing in agony.”

6. Characters?

If you’re going to make this character-driven shaky-cam abortion instead of the movie we’re all expecting, make the characters a tad more memorable. I couldn’t recall a single one of their names while writing this.

I do remember that civilian with the kid. I didn’t give a shit when he died, but the music seemed to think I would.

I’m so angry now. I have to go watch Independence Day.