Presenting The Greatest Movie You’ll See, Like Ever: Zombie Allies Vs. Zombie Nazis

I was sitting on my couch watching Independence Day earlier. It’s Memorial Day, but I didn’t see the big deal. My roommate disagreed. “Are you even allowed to watch Independence Day on Memorial Day? And won’t you have to watch it again in a couple months?”

He had a point. And it got me thinking. “Where’s our campy, ridiculous Memorial Day action movie?”

It’s gotta have a contrived, over-the-top plot. It’s gotta have pulse-pounding action, thrilling suspense, a car chase, a shoot out, aerial dogfighting, all of that. But it’s also gotta have heart, man. Some romance, some love previously tossed aside, some passionate flames rekindled in the face of almost certain destruction.

It’s also gotta have Bill Pullman and Jeff Goldblum, because I feel they could use the work.

I can’t give you the thought process that took me here because I don’t know what it was. But I do know I’ve cracked this one wide open. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…

Zombie Allies Vs. Zombie Nazis
Back from the dead to finish the fight.

That’s just a working title and tagline. We can do better, movie industry types. But pay attention, because you’re gonna wanna make this film.

It’s present-day Germany. The fine German folk are going about their day, doing the sorts of things Germans do. And suddenly, there’s a commotion. There’s a ruckus, if you will. A woman lies dead in the street, her assailant unknown. A dapper young man with fantastic hair pushes through the assembled crowd and gasps. A police officer insists he can’t go through, but he breaks free of their grasp and runs to the woman. It’s just as he feared — a yellow star, crudely made and clumsily pinned onto her blouse, soaking into the blood.

The prophecy has proven true. Few have seen the scrolls recovered from Hitler’s bunker, and fewer still believed them. But what else could explain it? The Nazis have risen from their graves. Zombie Nazis.

It’s 2am in Washington, D.C. The phone rings, startling a man awake. He grumbles. His bones creak as he rolls over to answer. Looks like someone’s been doing some grave-digging in Arlington. “Impossible,” he thinks to himself. “My men would never let this happen.” But what he couldn’t plan for, what nobody could’ve expected, would be for the graves to open… from the inside. When Zombie Nazis terrorize the modern world, the Zombie Allies must rise, reluctant but proud, and once again defend freedom.

TELL ME YOU WOULDN’T FUCKING WATCH THAT MOVIE. YOU’RE LYING IF YOU SAY YOU WOULDN’T.

Now you know what’s gotta be done. Get Pullman on the horn, stat. And while we’re at it, see if Danny Glover’s up to play the President. He’s gotta have one more left in him.

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