John Mayer N-Word Apology Tour Continues; He Should’ve Used This Chart

(originally posted on kroq.radio.com)

Here at KROQ, we appreciate John Mayer more for his Twitter account than his music or the countless hot women he brags about banging. But his recent use of the N-word in Playboy Magazine has become an unavoidable story. You’ve probably caught on to the fact that he won’t stop apologizing for it. He’s apologizing on stage, he’s apologizing in the press, and if you ran into him on the street lately, he probably apologized to you too.

All this fuss is due to the fact that proper usage of this word apparently continues to elude even the most intelligent of white people. To that end, we have assembled a chart with detailed instructions on exactly how and when you can use this most offensive of words.

Feel free to print, laminate and carry this with you, so you don’t forget. Because you wouldn’t want to wind up like Jessica Simpson’s ex-boyfriend.

Mary-Kate Olsen Is Single Again; Here’s How You Could Date Her

(originally published on http://jack.radio.com)

Star Magazine’s reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen, one-time guest star of Samantha Who?, has decided to cast off artistic boy toy Nate Lowman. Nate, who’s most famous for being romantically linked to Mary-Kate Olsen, has been in her life since 2008. The two were rumored to have been engaged at one point, a rumor that Mary-Kate was quick to dispel.

Dear Jack reader, we realize you don’t care about this story on the surface. But you had to be wondering: now that she’s single… “does this mean I could date her? How would I make that happen?“

Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered.

Here’s thirteen ways you might be able to grab the young starlet’s attention.

1. Claim that you also have prettier, more-successful twin, then commiserate with her over it
2. Talk about your weird, unemployable Greek Uncle who’s got an unhealthy obsession with his hair
3. Take her side in that whole “Heath Ledger thing”
4. Ask her to autograph “The Wackness” movie poster
5. Don’t mention “Are the Olsen twins 18 yet?” countdown website you started
6. Offer her a part in an under-funded made-for-TV movie
7. Pretend to be a shipping magnate
8. Start dressing like a homeless person
9. Add “incredible, unfathomable wealth” to your list of turn-ons at Match.com
10. Order a carrot for dinner, eat half, then ask for a to-go box
11. Emphasize that you waited until she was of legal age before abusing yourself to old photos of her
12. Do the “cut. it. out” thing, because she never gets tired of it
13. Ensure that you are, in fact, speaking to the correct twin

You Will Be The Ultimate Long-Shot Presidential Candidate

The debates. The whistlestops. The mudslinging. The glamour of the campaign trail. You’ve watched it all from the modest recliner in your den, but you’ve always lusted for more. You yearn for the moderator to tell you that your time has expired. You crave the breakneck limo ride from the airport to the Elk Lodge. And just once, you’d like to see a television commercial that attacked your credibility. But how can you get a taste of the action?

Quick, Act Like You’re Upset! Fall Out Boy Disbands

(originally posted on kroq.radio.com)

If you saw [lastfm]Fall Out Boy[/lastfm] when they opened for [lastfm]Blink-182[/lastfm] at Verizon Wireless Amphitheater, you might have seen one of their last performances as a band. Through a series of tweets from pretty bass-playing frontman Pete Wentz and a Q&A with frontman-if-he-was-thin Patrick Stump, we’ve learned that Fall Out Boy is pretty much done.

Life’s Little Mysteries

From an IM conversation:

Marc: jack reads manga?
AJ: i dunno
AJ: but would you be surprised
Marc: cause i’m lookin for a cosplay partner for next years anime expo
Marc: i wanna go as lupin the 3rd
AJ: how do you get ass

Hmm.

Did Conan O’Brien Just Quit ‘The Tonight Show?’

(originally posted on kroq.radio.com)

So, you may or may not be following the ongoing struggle at NBC between Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien. Both of them want to come on at 11:35, and late last week it looked like Leno had won: NBC said his poor-performing ‘Jay Leno Show‘ was done, and he’d go back to 11:35… with Conan coming on after Midnight.

Starbucks Patrons Can Sometimes Be Needlessly Wasteful

It’s interesting to watch the goings-on at the “toppings bar” inside Starbucks, because honestly I thought hipsters were concerned about the environment.

Let’s go through an interaction I just watched at this bar. We’re dealing with a thin, strikingly attractive woman, roughly five foot six, and dressed in your typical L.A. “hot girl” attire. She walks up with her grande iced whatever, which is already the pale brown color of a drink with far too much non-fat milk in it. The coffee gets set down, the lid gets removed, and the coffee gets picked back up. She pours a little of it into the garbage.

Hmm.